What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:12
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do older siblings always hate younger siblings?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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I was very sick at this time too.
I couldn’t, believe it.
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I waited trembling.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
My family never makes their pension either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it wasn’t much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Would this be the day?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My life is so biszare .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .